Face it, work is really where we spend the majority of our time. So if we have to spend so much of our lives here, why not make ourselves comfortable? Here are five things we really need in the office, stat:
1. Creature Comforts: Do you know what all those deranged killers who showed up at work armed and went on a killing spree had in common? None of them had pets. Dogs and cats are therapy and keep you sane and having them the workplace makes it a better and more fun experience. We should have pets prancing around the office. Actually, that factor about killers not having pets is something I fabricated, but it sounds right.
2. An Aspartame Intervention: A soda intervention, the situation is becoming dire. We go through almost an entire case of Diet Coke everyday, EVERY DAY. Do you know how much soda that is? There’s enough artificial sweetener coursing through the veins of our employees to kill all the lab rats in the country.
3. Company Siestas: It works so well for kids and what are adults but kids who know how to behave in public? A nap at the height of the non-productive hours (usually between 2 pm – 3 pm) will settle the stomach and the mind and replenish energy.
4. Company-Sanctioned Violence: Office disputes can get ugly. Someone makes a remark, you let it fester, the situation boils over, HR gets involved, and things just escalate. I say let’s do away with all that and handle it “Victorian Style.” Nerf guns at high noon; enough said.
5. A Sushi Chef: Nutritious, tasty, fresh, and not filling – what’s the problem? You know what would be even better? A sushi chef who also knows how to twirl knives and throw and catchsharp objects like at Benihana’s.
I think I’ll go draw up the puppy proposal now…